


You Are Everything That My Heart Desires

by AshJuillet



Series: Challenges [2]
Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Adult Hermione Granger, Confused Sirius Black, Dragon Riders, F/M, Gen, Meditation, Post-War, Sirius Black Lives
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-14
Updated: 2021-01-14
Packaged: 2021-03-12 07:47:07
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,472
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28756848
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AshJuillet/pseuds/AshJuillet
Summary: Lost and confused, Sirius is unable to find his heart's desire. Hermione helps him out and leads him home. AU!
Relationships: Sirius Black/Hermione Granger
Series: Challenges [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2108157
Comments: 13
Kudos: 47





	You Are Everything That My Heart Desires

_Everything will kill you, so choose something fun._

With one hand gripping the rare stone and the other holding onto the dragon's back as the beast hurtled through the air, he wondered if Hermione would kill him for taking the phrase literally.

"You're doing great, Sirius!" Charlie yelled from below.

Sirius ignored him, focusing on his breathing. The sun's energy radiated through the stone, vitalizing Sirius' mind and body.

Though it was difficult meditating on a dragon, Sirius had never backed down from a challenge. He kept his eyes trained on the pink topaz in front of him as it shimmered in the morning sun.

Once his mind was calm, he imagined himself at peace with himself and the world around him, but despite his intent, he knew he wasn't quite there yet. As he forced himself to try harder, he heard Hermione's voice in his head. "Relax and keep breathing. You can do it."

Before he could listen to her advice, the Norwegian Ridgeback bucked and roared, blowing out red-hot flames, unappreciative of Sirius' attempt to ride it. His arms flailed as he tried to grasp onto the dragon's scales, his heart leaping into his throat when the topaz almost slipped through his fingers. If he lost it, who knew what would happen?

Sharp commands from Charlie quickly brought the great beast in line, and they landed safely. Sirius hopped off and grinned, legs trembling. "That was great, Charlie! Thanks for the ride."

"Don't tell anyone—that's not a regular thing."

Sirius clapped Charlie's shoulder before leaving the reserve and reaching the Romanian Ministry through the dark tunnels near the Carpathian Mountains.

Inside, as he waited for his Portkey back to England, he looked at the topaz. Smiling, he rolled the stone in his hand and let the energy wash over him, lighting him up from the inside out.

From the moment he had received it, he hadn't let it out of his sight. Hermione's books had suggested finding a power object to connect with spiritually, and Sirius had instinctively chosen the topaz. Every morning, he held the stone and tried to absorb the energies flowing through it. It had become a ritual, and he appreciated that the stone grounded him to reality every time he had an existential crisis.

As he looked at the stone, an errant thought crossed his mind that the topaz perfectly matched the colour of Hermione's cheeks, but he shoved it away, trying not to think of her as he knew it wouldn't bode well for him.

To distract himself, he picked up the book she had given him three years ago and flicked through it to find the next item on his bucket list. "Hmm… Have a meaningful conversation with a stranger. Looks interesting."

Just then, an old man sat down beside him, waiting for his own Portkey.

Sirius placed the stone safely in his pocket and turned towards the stranger.

* * *

The moment Molly Weasley had destroyed Bellatrix Lestrange, something miraculous had occurred in the depths of the Ministry. A very disoriented Sirius Black, a man long thought to be dead, had fallen out of the Veil.

Never having experienced something so phenomenal, the Unspeakables had taken him for preliminary tests. As Sirius had reverted to his 22-year-old self but still retained his memories of his past, they had wished to figure out the secret. In the end, they had concluded that time worked in mysterious ways within the Veil, and as Sirius had been unable to recall anything about his time inside it, its mystery would remain unsolved.

After he'd been released—and given a huge amount of money to compensate him for his troubles over the past seventeen years—the Unspeakables had told him to go home.

' _Home,'_ he'd thought, _'where would that be?'_ Certainly not Grimmauld Place. Home was with James, with Remus. If he no longer had a home, a house would have to do, and so, he had bought a Muggle penthouse in London, handing the keys to Grimmauld Place to Harry. He had many painful memories of his life in the wizarding world; therefore, no one had forced him to rethink his decision.

Despite his newfound freedom, loneliness and depression had soon set in, and Sirius' skin had begun itching with the need to do _something_. But what?

A few weeks later, he had gotten over his uncharacteristic nervousness at the thought of being judged and asked Harry for advice.

"I'm not great at making decisions about anything," Harry said sheepishly, shaking his head. "My decisions end up getting people into trouble—but you'd know all about that… But I know someone who's good at this."

Sirius immediately knew what Harry was about to say. " _Hermione?"_

"Yes, _Hermione._ I know she's not good with emotions, but she's logical and a great listener. If you want to learn about what you want, you should speak to her… Or Luna."

"That blonde you're friends with? If she's anything like her mum, she's too cuckoo for me."

"Don't judge her, Sirius. Luna's wonderful." Harry's warning was clear, and Sirius raised his hands in defence.

"It's just that I'd feel more comfortable with Hermione as I actually _know_ her."

"Okay. I'll send her over to your flat. She'll be glad to help you out," Harry said, gently placing his hand on Sirius' shoulder.

"Don't force her or anything." Sirius was nervous, but Harry simply grinned and waved him off.

* * *

When Hermione arrived at his doorstep with a freshly baked cake and a smile on her face, Sirius' heart skipped a beat. He invited her in and said, "I know you might be busy, but Harry said—"

"Yes, don't worry. I won't judge you at all for anything you say. You can trust me."

Receiving the opening he'd desperately wanted, Sirius began rambling about his loneliness, his fears of having to live a life without his friends, and his worries that he wouldn't amount to anything. Hermione listened to him, nodding along and asking him to elaborate and clarify certain statements.

Once he finished talking, Hermione opened her arms and asked, "Would you like a hug?"

Sirius was ashamed of the tears that streamed down his cheeks as she wound her arms around him to hold him close, but she didn't berate him for showing his emotions. Confused by all the feelings raging through him, Sirius hadn't felt like himself since falling through the Veil. Before, he would never have sobbed in the arms of a beautiful woman, but now, he somehow didn't care. It was exactly what he needed.

When they parted, she asked, "How do you feel?"

"Better."

"Okay… Now, I believe you need to find your desideratum."

"My what?"

"Your heart's desire. Something you wish to do, be, or have. Any ideas what that could be?"

_She sounds like McGonagall._ Cautiously, he said, "No…"

"If you'd like, I have a few books you could read to find something that speaks to you. The books also recommend meditating."

Sirius groaned. "I'm not much of a reader, Kitten. That's—that _was_ —R-Remus' domain."

Hermione smiled. The summer before her fifth year, he'd started calling her that after he'd seen her yell at the Weasley twins for a prank they'd pulled on her; the name had begun to grow on her since. "I know, but it will help you on your journey. I'll send you the books soon."

True to her word, she sent them the next morning, and the sight of the thick tomes sent Sirius' mind reeling. Despite his protests, he didn't wish to disappoint Hermione, so he sat down and began reading.

* * *

By the time he finished the last book, he finally understood what he wanted from life: to find where he truly belonged. The only problem was that he had no idea how to do that.

Apparating outside Hermione's flat, he knocked and wrung his hands as he waited. The moment the door swung open, he hurried inside, his limbs moving of their own accord. "Kitten, I need to talk to you," he stammered, pacing near the couch. "You busy?"

Hermione glanced at the official forms on her table, but, smiling up at him, she shook her head. "No. I've got all the time in the world."

"I know what my dream is: I need to find where I belong. But…"

"You're not sure how to do that," she concluded, and he nodded as he paced.

"I want something that both excites and soothes me—that calms me even when I feel like I'm on top of the world," he rambled.

Hermione tucked her curls behind her ear as she listened to him, and once he was done, she patted the spot beside her on the couch, motioning for him to sit down. "Just breathe and relax, Sirius. There's no need to get worked up about this."

"Kitten!" Sirius pouted. "What do I do?"

His mind went blank when she directed a radiant smile at him. How he loved it when she smiled! It was one of the most beautiful things he had ever seen. It never failed to lift his spirits.

"I've got it! Have you heard of bucket lists?" Her eyes glinted with excitement.

"No," he admitted, frowning at the unusual phrase. "What are they?"

"It's a list of things people wish to do before they die—kick the bucket, so to speak. You should make a list of things you'd like to do before you die."

"Isn't that… _morbid?"_ Sirius shifted to look at her better. "How is this going to help me find my purpose?"

"A lot of things on bucket lists help you uncover the truth about yourself. I'm sure you'll find exactly what you want." She looked so happy that Sirius didn't have the heart to tell her he had no idea where to start.

"I can do that," he murmured, nodding at her. "All I need to do is make a list… Any chance you could do that for me?"

The beautiful sound of her laughter had become his favourite song, and his heart overflowed with joy when he heard her. Even if he never found his true purpose, he could always listen to Hermione's sweet laugh.

"We're not at Hogwarts, Sirius. This isn't an assignment, and I'm not forcing you to do it. This list is going to be very personal for you. You have to make it yourself… or you could get a book with pre-written bucket lists."

"That way, I can choose to do or leave whatever I want! Kitten, you're a genius!" He grinned, wrapped an arm around her shoulders, and pulled her close.

Shaking her head good-naturedly, she said, "Honestly! You're as bad as Ron and Harry!" Suddenly, she shot off the couch as if it had burned her, and Sirius immediately missed her presence. "I almost forgot! Good thing you're here!"

Sirius watched her hurry off towards her bedroom and his shoulders slumped. Not having experienced much human touch since his incarceration, he still didn't feel comfortable touching many people. The only ones he wanted physical contact with were Harry, Remus—who was now dead—and Hermione.

He was still sulking about her sudden departure when Hermione came back with a small notebook and a rock. She jumped onto the couch, and as he wrapped his arm around her again, Sirius instantly relaxed.

"Here." She handed him the notebook first. "I got this custom-made for you."

The grey notebook was small enough for Sirius to carry around in his pocket, and an image of his Animagus form was printed on it. "If you're not aware, let me remind you… I don't _do_ diaries. I'm a grown man—"

She smacked his arm lightly and flipped her hair. "This isn't a _diary_ , Sirius. This is a journal for you to write down your thoughts during meditation. That way, you can look back and find what keeps popping into your mind. It could lead you to your objective." Then, she gave him the stone.

The pink topaz perfectly fit within his hand, and Sirius looked up at Hermione. "What's this?"

"I looked it up… It's your birth-stone." Shyly, she nibbled on her lower lip and gazed at him from under her lashes.

"But… everyone knows you don't believe in Divination."

"I don't. But I believe in _you_. I want you to keep this, and every time you look at it, I want you to remember that I know you can achieve whatever your heart desires. No matter what it is."

Her impassioned words caused his pulse to speed up, and he pulled her into a fierce hug, burying his face in her hair. "Thank you, Kitten. You've done so much for me. I don't think I'll ever be able to repay you."

"I don't want repayment." When she smiled at him, his heart skipped a beat. "I just want you to be happy."

* * *

But he wasn't happy. No matter how many items he ticked off of the bucket list, none of them had made him discover his heart's desire.

As he looked at the bucket list, he muttered, "Surf? Rappel down a waterfall? Ride a zipline? Check. Get a tattoo? Jump off a cliff? Ride in a hot air balloon? All checks. Damn it… How do I learn where I belong? Why is it so damn difficult?"

He flipped through the book, searching for something that spoke to him, but he had done half of the things in the past three years. "Meet someone famous? _Everyone_ I know—including myself—is famous, so this one doesn't count… Meet the Prime Minister? Shacklebolt. Share a cab with a stranger? Reminds me of getting drunk with Prongsie… Surprise someone? Hello? I fell out of the Veil. I don't think anything's more surprising than _that."_

He had done more things on his bucket list than possibly anyone else. Over time, Sirius had even managed to forgive his parents for disowning him. He had made peace with his brother's decisions, and he'd once spent the entire night talking to Hermione in her flat. He had visited his friends' graves—including Peter's—and gained closure; Hermione had been by his side that day and had seen him break down in tears, but she hadn't judged him.

Yet a part of him was still missing.

* * *

"So, I _still_ don't know where I belong," Sirius concluded his tale, running his thumb over the topaz in his hand, looking at the old man beside him. _"You've_ probably done everything you wanted in life! You wouldn't understand..."

The stranger's eyes twinkled as Sirius finally finished his long and arduous story, and he shook his head slowly. "Everyone has regrets, son… I regret that I never got to tell my daughter I was sorry before she died."

Sirius was quiet at the man's words. "What happened to her?"

"She was killed in a plane crash." The old man's green eyes were suspiciously glassy. "I still regret arguing with her before she left home that day… So, yes, son, everyone's got regrets. As for your problem, though… I've always believed that home is where the heart is."

The man's innocuous statement rendered Sirius speechless. For a moment, all he saw was Hermione. "I—"

With a small smile, the man said, "Ah, so you _do_ know what you want in life."

Sirius nodded, his heart thundering as he shook the stranger's hand.

"I wish you luck, son."

"Thank you, sir," Sirius said, bowing his head in reverence. He clutched onto the topaz with both hands as he ran off to grab his Portkey. He was startled that a simple bucket list item _, 'Have a meaningful conversation with a stranger',_ could make such an impact, but it had.

The moment he landed in England, he Apparated home and frantically searched for his journal. He hadn't looked at his past musings and scribbles, but he fell to his knees in the middle of his bedroom and began to read it from the very beginning.

_Item 1: Made a flower arrangement (roses, hydra-something, violets) for Kitten. Looks terrible but she says she loves it._

_Item 2: Rode a zipline. Heart's pounding, but no life-changing epiphany._

_Item 3: Visited Longbottoms. Kitten made things better by bringing sweets._

_Item 4: Went to see Mary MacDonald. She thinks my Kitten's brilliant—I have to agree._

_Item 5: Poetry reading was terrible. Good thing? Kitten loved it, so it wasn't a total bust. Note to self: look up Alfred Ten-sons/Tension? Whatever his name is. (her favourite poet)_

_Item 6: Went shopping with Kitten. She's great at bargaining. Decorated the rooms with her. Not sure about the pink vase she bought, but it'll stay for now._

Sirius scanned the rest of the entries, and the confirmation hit him like a brick to the head. Kitten… Hermione… He had mentioned her in almost every single entry. The notebook slipped from his hands as he whispered, " _She's_ my heart's desire."

Sirius had always been impulsive as a child, and he hadn't lost the trait as he grew up. Despite the fear that he would fail to get what he yearned for, he closed his eyes and Apparated directly into Hermione's flat.

As she had keyed him into her wards three years ago, he landed safely in her living room. Still, the sight of him startled Hermione from where she sat working on her drafts.

"Sirius? What's wrong?" she said, hurrying over to his side.

Sirius gazed into her brown eyes, which were full of concern and worry, and began to recite her favourite poem.

"If I were loved, as I desire to be,

What is there in the great sphere of the earth,

And range of evil between death and birth,

That I should fear,—if I were loved by thee?

All the inner, all the outer world of pain

Clear Love would pierce and cleave, if thou wert mine

As I have heard that, somewhere in the main,

Fresh-water springs come up through bitter brine."

"Why are you reciting Tennyson, Sirius?" Hermione's brow furrowed as she wrapped her fingers around his arm and tugged him towards the petal-pink armchair in the corner. She sat him down and asked, "Were you hexed? Cursed? How do you feel?"

His hands trembled as he reached up to cup her face, letting his thumb caress her cheek. "Hermione," he whispered, his grey eyes soft yet passionate. "Will you go out with me?"

For the first time in her life, Hermione was struck dumb by a question. "What? Sirius… what—"

"You told me that you believe in me… that I can do whatever I put my mind to… So, I'm here to ask you''–he swallowed to hide his nervousness–"if you'd go out with me."

"But why me?" _Ah, the age-old question._

Sirius didn't even need to think about his answer. The words spilt from his lips as though he had said them many times. "You make me feel peaceful and whole. Passionate. Hopeful. Your faith in me is astounding. Your enthusiasm never fails to inspire me... You make me wish I were a better man... You've shown me a new side to life, one I never thought I'd get to experience. When I look into my heart, I only see _you_."

Hermione's eyes filled with tears at his heartfelt speech, and her voice rose as she asked, "This isn't a prank, is it? You're serious? And don't make that 'I'm Sirius' joke!"

Sirius smiled as he took her hands in his and raised them to his face, butterflies dancing in his stomach. Gazing straight into her eyes, he pressed his lips to her knuckles and murmured, "Would you believe me if I said I didn't even think about saying 'I'm Sirius'? I read somewhere that since everything can kill you, you should choose something fun. Even though it would be pretty funny if my tombstone says 'Killed by The Brightest Witch Of Her Age, also known as Sirius' kitten', I'd rather enjoy _living_ with you instead."

She choked on her laughter, and the tears streamed down her cheeks as she nodded. "I'll believe you this once. And I'm not going to kill you… unless you do something terribly stupid."

"I'm not going to scare you off by proposing to you right now, but keep in mind that marriage is my endgame here," Sirius promised, his eyes trained on hers.

"You're unbelievable," she whispered. "But yes, I'll go out with you."

Sirius smiled as he tugged her down onto his lap, his heart thundering against his ribs.

His tension disappeared, and he kissed her fiercely. To his utter delight, she sighed against his mouth and wound her arms around his neck to hold him close. And Sirius knew… In her kiss, he was home.

**Author's Note:**

> Please review. Thanks!


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